Sunday, 9 March 2014

The incomprehensive absense of happiness

My happiness, that is. I've been feeling pretty low of late, literally off-balance, and I'm struggling with piecing myself back together. Okay, admittedly, I haven't been happy--I mean really happy in months, but I think it's got more to do with my constantly anticipating the big whack over the head. Yes, I may be even scared of being happy, because up to now I've always been pulled down so quickly after a brief period of feeling good, I normally don't even know what's hit me.

At the moment--for the past few weeks--I've been feeling like life's a constant fight, with my landlord war, a few jobs falling through, people not keeping their promises, and other interpersonal issues, etc., it struck me rather hard; yet I kept going on auto-pilot, getting up every day, doing the things that need to be done. I assume I pushed myself forward to avoid a massive depression. Depressions are like cold sores: they just pop up out of nowhere; your body knows best when your soul is suffering--most certainly before you know. Like a latent virus, it lays dormant, until someone goes and pokes it. I know when that happens and have then to run some extra power to keep it under control. It's a bit like you're downloading a massive file to your computer and it slows all your other applications down. I'm constantly aware of my depressions and, although trying to not let it affect me, it does. All I want then is to withdraw myself, avoid lots of contact with people. Of course it doesn't work like that, so I go for bike rides, out into the sun, away from situations that involves interaction as I'm not sure what can happen. Of late, I've been worried I may just break down. It happened to me once; a nervous break down and it ain't pretty. Okay, it's been many, many years and those were the early signs of my depressions I never thought I'd had. Back then I had a lot going on and kept pushing myself to function until one incident set the whole thing off. I'm worried it may happen again as I'm currently not myself. Quite frankly I don't like myself much at the moment; I'm whiny, mostly anti-social, and am destroying everything around me with my negativity. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm walking about with a sign, saying 'I'm depressed and I hate life', far from it; if you saw me when interacting, laughing, joking, being the sunny me, you wouldn't even know what's going on inside my head. To the observer, I'm a normal woman, enjoying life, but it's a mask. Possibly, because I don't want to be a burden to others, or let them inside my head. Yet, those I really like and trust are suffering and that will most certainly end up in them taking a step back, which then upsets me and here is when the circle closes. My mood swings are almost unbearable. They've become more frequent; one minute I'm fine, the next I'm fighting with tears. The tiniest situation/set back can trigger a change and me, being well aware of what's just happening, is gathering all strength, pride, mostly supported by the fear of embarrassment, in order to avoid bursting into tears there and then. It feels as if a stronger me is trying to protect the weaker me, and it all happens without others even realising what's going on in me.
I remember when I was going out a lot, always partying, surrounded by a good group of people, I was asked by one of the bouncers if I were ever unhappy or sad. I was bemused as to why he'd asked such a question. Well, he explained, he'd always see me happy, smiling, laughing, having lots of fun and he found it odd. On reflection I can safely say that I felt unhappy, just like I feel at the moment, and have just shoved it aside, mainly to please others. You could easily call me at midnight, when I'd just gone to bed, to come to the club and I'd have a shower, get dressed up and cycle into the city to party till the morning hours. I don't do that anymore. Nowadays I listen to what my soul tells me. If there's one person I need to please then it's me.
It doesn't make me happier, though. If I ever find the recipe of happiness, I'll share it with you. For sure.

No comments:

Post a Comment